My sweet baby,

I write this with all the hopes in the world that one day you will read it. I sit here patiently waiting for the day you will start to growing in my belly. Just the thought of you starts to fill the hole in my heart that Longs for you. For as long as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted in this life was to be a mommy. I want you to always know that you have been wished for and loved long before you were ever born. I can’t promise I will be the worlds best mom, but I can promise that you will always know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I will be there for all the big moments in your life as well as the small ones. You see as much as mommy wanted you, her body didn’t work quite right and made it more challenging so I needed to find help. I found some amazing people to guide me on a fascinating journey of science and love to help bring you into this world. It’s been hard work, and at times scary, but it will all be worth it when you are here in my arms. There is nothing in this world that can stop me from doing everything in my power to turn the thought of you into a reality. I truly believe I was put here on this earth to be your mom. And just maybe all of this is making me stronger for you, preparing me for the amazing force of nature your gonna be. And I am sure you will be, because my child, you are half my genes, you will have a quiet confidence about you that will take you so far in life if you allow it. I cannot wait to feel you in my tummy, hold you in my arms, and celebrate your amazing little life. A life that will be cherished more than you will ever understand.

Dear friends and family,

As you all know or have heard, I have decided to go through with IVF, also known as In Vitro Fertilization. It was one of the easiest decisions of my life, being a mom is the only thing I have ever wanted. You should know that this is a battle I am fighting every single day. There isn’t a single minute of everyday that I don’t think about this journey. I spend every moment trying to work through the anger, pain and resentment that comes along with worrying that I may never be a mom. You may think that I will not be happy for you that you are pregnant, but the truth is I understand what an amazing thing that is for you, I will nothing but the best, and wouldn’t with my journey on anyone. Please know that there are days that I don’t want to leave the house and days I have trouble just getting out of bed, this has nothing to do with anyone but me. I am on an emotional roller coaster full of moments of sadness, anger and denial. During these times I just need to be alone. Telling me that you “understand” only hurts. Because unless you have gone through this, you can’t understand, and I wish for you to never have to understand all of this. Every single month I am reminded of just how unsuccessful I am at becoming a mother. I just need a little support and encouragement to make it through those days. Please don’t tell me to just relax and it will happen, clearly that doesn’t work, everything you have read, I have read to, I have tried it. My body has decided that reproduction is gonna be different for me than it is for most people. You should know that when you say “you will understand when you are a mother” breaks my heart. A mothers first instinct is to protect and fight for her child and that is exactly what I am doing, I am fighting every single day. The love I feel for a child I haven’t even created yet is beyond measure. No, I haven’t been up with a crying baby all night, or dealt with a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. However, I have dealt with numerous procedures, doctors appointments, and blood work in order to make the best decision for me and my soon to be miracle. I unselfishly wait, because waiting means a chance for a healthier baby. I unselfishly save every penny I make to make my dreams come true. Please know that I understand the love and heartache that comes with being a mother and pray for the moment I get to hold my baby in my arms and match this love with a face. Telling me not to stress, that I can always just adopt, doesn’t help. That reminds me just how much you don’t understand how much this means to me. To feel my baby kick inside me, to know that my child is genetically mine. I don’t mind you asking questions. It shows me that you are interested in what I am going through and trying to understand the process. If I decline to talk about it at the time, please know that there are times i am down on myself and just don’t want to talk about it. I need your love and support right now. While the decision was easy, the process is far from. So often I am angry at myself that my body can’t do what it was made to do, and that I waited too long to do something about it. In the upcoming months I will continue to have many more doctors appointments, blood work, and procedures. I will have to stick myself with lots of shots and it will take a toll on me, but I know without a doubt that it will all be worth it one day, but during the process it will also change me a little, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don’t say any of this stuff to you to offend or upset you, I just want you to know what I am feeling and that my sadness and angry have nothing to do with you. I love you and I am grateful to have you in my life.

My journey to being healthier started for many reasons, not just the liver issue I was having. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my liver became a known issue for me while at another doctor, an RE, a reproductive endocrinologist, a fancy way of saying fertility doctor. I’ll start briefly at the beginning and make this quick. Back in June of 2018, after missing my period for 3 months, my gynecologist told me not to be worried I was probably just premenopausal. When she saw the look on my face 😳 she asked why that bothered me, I explain that I still wanted kids (I had just turned 36) she then suggested I see an RE. She gave me the name of a few local ones and I began researching. For something this major, I wanted the best. I finally made a decision, and an appointment. The day of my appointment with Dr. K I was very nervous, but while in the waiting room, the doctor herself came out to get me and brought me right to her office, no nurse, no waiting on a paper covered table. That was the moment I knew I had picked the right facility! To make this shorter… i was prescribed an injection to get my period, followed by months of testing, bloodwork, ultrasounds… everything possible to try and find out what was wrong. The main things they found was that I have a blocked Fallopian tube, possible Diminished Ovarian Reserve, and abnormal prolactin levels. None of this was a huge surprise to me since after 10+ years of trying I was still childless. A year later my periods are still irregular, and becoming more painful. I was hoping diet and exercise would help all this, but that has still yet to be decided. At an appointment earlier this summer I was told I had to make a choice, I could go on birth control to try and make my periods more regular or I can attempt to get pregnant using ART, assisted reproductive technology. I knew this would come up eventually, but at this point I wasn’t expecting it, and without thinking I quickly said I wanted to try iui. However my head still wasn’t processing what had just happened. And I’m pretty sure my body language and quick change of mood did not show that this was what I wanted. I walked away and spent the next few weeks confused. I hadn’t asked any questions, and didn’t even understand what I had actually agreed to. With that being said, I wasn’t completely having second thoughts, there was no doubt in my mind I wanted a baby, but the process and choices I needed to make were still a little fuzzy. Since my insurance was going to cover IUI, I thought it was a no brainer, that was the route I was taking, and I made an appointment to go back in and talk to the doc about the procedures and what I needed to do. She made me feeling amazing when I walked in 45 lbs lighter than my last appointment and congratulated me. I found that amazingly supportive. She also walked me through the entire procedure, however, That was also when the bad news came, I found out my odds of it working were only 15%! I was devastated but figured I had to try. I left feeling defeated and decided it was time to talk to those closest to me and see what they thought. Main thing I learned… it makes people uncomfortable when you start to talk about your infertility challenges. This brings us to now. Where just a week ago I decided that 15% odds did not work for me. IVF was the route I want. With IVF my odds go to 50% and if I do embryo test I can get to 80%. Those are numbers I can feel good about. I still have lots of questions, and now another procedure I don’t fully understand, but a decision I finally feel good about, I am putting all my faith and trust in to my doctor, and praying she is as good as I have learned she is. So as you take this weight loss journey with me, you also get to follow along as I try to make my biggest dream come true… being a mom!!!!

When I decided I needed to take my health and weight seriously I was bombarded with all these different fad diets and crazy workouts. It was a lot of information to process at once, so I let everyone’s advice slip from my head and do my own research. Since my biggest issue seemed to be my liver at the time, I decided to see what I could do to help that first. I bought the book “Skinny Liver Diet” and read it cover to cover in one day. It was filled with so much information, and the best part was, it was a lifestyle change, not a fad diet. I immediately went through my cabinets and refrigerator and threw out anything that was not going to be needed with my new way of eating, and let’s face it, I had to get the temptations of pasta and frozen treats out of the house lol! I made the choice that the best thing for me was a strictly organic plant based way of eating. I now shop at Whole Foods, meal prep every Sunday for the whole week and feel great about myself. An idea what what I eat a day is: breakfast- a serving of strawberries, a serving of cucumbers and 3 hard boiled egg white. Lunch- tofu or chicken with steamed or raw veggies. Snack- roasted seaweed. Dinner- a salad of spinach, cucumbers, peppers, and a light balsamic vinegar dressing. I also do interment fasting. I don’t eat after 5pm at night and my first meal of the day isn’t until 9am. And I drink LOTS of water!

Exercising was a tricky part for me. I initially thought all I had to do was walk and I would be set, so my first week I walked 2 miles before work, 2 miles on my lunch break and 2 miles after work. I thought I was doing amazing. Then my doctor asked me what I do for exercise. I proudly said “I’m walking 6 miles a day.” Her response was “that’s good but what exercising are you doing?” That’s when I realized walking wasn’t enough, I need to get in some cardio and get my heart rate going. I didn’t enjoy going to the gym because it’s always crowded and I never have a clue if I am using the machines right. I decided I needed a workout class that was more structured. I narrowed it down to three classes I wanted to try, Ariel yoga, barre, and cardio kick boxing. My coworker told me she had been wanting to try out barre and said if I did that she would go with me. As much as I wanted to do the Ariel yoga, I liked that I would have company so decided to give barre a shot. We went to a class and man was it torture… I don’t think my body has ever that sore. So that was that, barre was ruled out. Two weeks later I was still only walking and didn’t see much happening with my weight so I talked to another coworker and said I wanted to give barre one more shot and asked if she would join me. She agreed, we went and I was so proud of myself for making it through that I made the decision to sign up for a full month. After a week of going I was hooked! I have now been there for 3 months and it is truly the best part of my day! The staff are not just knowledgeable but beyond motivating and I am pretty sure if it wasn’t for them, especially the owners, I wouldn’t have gone back. I have never once felt judged, which is hard considering right away I noticed I was the biggest one. The people who attend class are also beyond friendly and are easy to talk to. I tell everyone I know how amazing it is there and have gotten four people to also sign up. When you believe in something, you should shout it from the roof tops! I had someone once tell me that barre is life changing and it couldn’t be more true, I am 100% better because of it!!

About a year ago, while at the doctors I was told my liver was enlarged, I thought nothing of it. Then in May, I was told I had non alcoholic fatty liver disease. I didn’t know what it was but my primary doctor didn’t seem highly concerned so I didn’t think I needed to be. In June while at an appointment with my fertility doctor and needing to go on a hormone, she wouldn’t give it to me, my liver was a big concern. I finally took it seriously, as I saw everything I wanted start to get out of reach. So I researched, and changed my entire life, I worked my ass off for 8 weeks where on a return visit to my fertility doctor, where she was going to run some bloodwork, I asked to also have my liver enzymes checked. She agreed. Three days later I get a phone call saying my liver levels are all within normal range. I squealed with happiness! I am very happy with my new life style and can’t wait for what is to come!!!!

Happy Monday! As I wrote this I am enjoying a peaceful morning in Ocean City, Maryland. I am sitting in the cool sand listening to the waves crash upon the shore as the sun begins to rise. It’s the last day of vacation and these quiet moments in the morning by myself has been the best part of each day. Once the sun has fully awaken, I’ll take the 6 mile walk down the boardwalk and back before heading back to the condo to pack. Continuing my exercise routine while away from home has been super easy. Lots of walking, swimming and even Bar Online workouts. Eating, has been much more of a challenge, as I knew it would be. I wasn’t able to stick to the plant based organic way of eating I have been accustomed to these last two months, but I was very cautious about what I chose and my portion sizes. On day 1 I really let this bother me, I have been in a plateau and knew this wouldn’t help, however, I reminded myself that it’s ok to eat out and enjoy myself once in awhile without getting carried away. When we are out, I always substituted my fries for a healthier side. I find it funny how quickly I get full now, really makes you see just how big a portion is at a restaurant as well. The one big thing I was able to stick to was only allowing myself water to drink! The whole trip I was told “vacation is vacation” and “calories don’t count when your on vacation.” To that I said my health doesn’t take vacation. This is now something that I focus on so much. And I like that it is always in the front of my mind!

Here is my autobiography in as little words as possible. I’m just a Connecticut girl living in a Jersey world. (cue Journey music) Born and raised in Ct, the youngest of a fairly big family. I moved to New Jersey in October of 2013. been teaching for 20 years after a brief stint in nursing and graphic design. I own and run 2 businesses that I love in the very little free time I have. The things that fascinate me the most in life are Space/air travel and Biology/medicine. I have 14 nieces and nephews and 2 god daughters as well as a family who is loud, uncensored and amazing. I’d say more, but then what else would I have to write about in future posts!